"When the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray." -Rumi
I have incredibly vivid dreams. I can't explain why, I just do. I was told many times throughout my life that they were just a random mash-up of events from my day being sent through the "garbage disposal" of my subconscious mind, along with the anxieties and fears of my future - and that they were to be ignored.
I had very intense dreams that my narcissist first husband was cheating on me. When I confronted him, he gas-lit me and I ended up apologizing to him, only to find out years later it was one hundred percent true.
After my grandmother, passed away 11-11-2015 (great number, right? Thanks, Grandma.), I had many lucid dreams where she and I would go to the mall, shop for costume jewelry at Chico's, get coffee, and get our nails done - just as we did when she was alive. We partied. And she would encourage me and give me insights in my current situations - just as she did when she was alive. When I was pregnant with my daughter, the visits increased and sharpened and I was really enjoying getting to hang out with her again. It made missing her a little easier and I was so grateful. I asked for more. I found out later these were "mediumistic" dreams.
One night I had a completely different type of dream. God took me up into the cosmos and showed me the stars. And I mean, I was not in that bed anymore, I was transported. "These are all the souls," He said. There were trillions of them, and they were all twinkling and shining like diamonds in the sky (cue Rihanna). They were as unique as snowflakes, but they all glowed onto each other. They glowed so brightly that they formed one giant (almost blinding) glow.
Then God said, "Reach out and touch them." So I did. I felt the most overwhelming feeling of love and warmth jolt directly to my heart and echo through every cell of my body. I sat straight up, back in my bed, covered in chills with my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed my husband by the arm and gasped, "We are all connected!" He humored me with an eye-roll and an, "okaaaaay." But I knew what I experienced was something very special.
After my second painful divorce, I felt like a massive failure, and I began to sink so low that despite the "diamonds" dream I had had, I began to believe that I alone was somehow "unlovable." This loss unearthed the trauma and unresolved wounds of my own parent's divorce, and my first divorce, only this time I had a 2-year-old. I became completely immobilized by fear and spiraled into depression. I watched hours and hours of Netflix, ate bags and bags of Pop-chips (they're healthier, right?), and some days I couldn't get out of my bed at all. I tried to take my daughter to Disneyland one day, but ended up plastering on a fake smile for her while sobbing behind my sunglasses to myself the whole time. Everywhere I turned, I saw joyful families making memories together and sharing love in the happiest place on earth, and here I was "alone" and miserable. But seriously, c'mon, there's no crying at Disneyland...
One night I was so distraught, I fell to my hands and knees and began praying and weeping for God's help. I wasn't suicidal, but I was screaming, "Lord, get me out of here!" I was shaking and my teeth were chattering; I was inconsolable. I thought, "okay, what calms me down?" And I remembered savasana in yoga class. I decided to lay in my bed and meditate to calm my mind and body. I began to use the deep breathing I had learned and the surrender I had practiced so many times on my mat. I began to settle down.
Almost immediately, God's Angels surrounded me and began ministering to me and telling me that everything would be okay. In that very moment, I knew I was found. I was seen. I knew unequivocally that I wasn't alone and that I was so loved. A new world had opened up to me, one that I knew intuitively was there all along, but couldn't articulate. And I knew I would never be the same; I was having a Spiritual Awakening.
Suddenly I was flooded with precognitive images, impressions, and knowings I did not understand during my waking life; it was exhilarating. Electronics went on and off on their own in my presence, I began to communicate with the creeks and sounds of my house, I experienced endless synchronicity throughout my day. My GPS asked me, "Is this voice too scary?" "Yes, I replied, choose another." I found myself starting conversations with, "I know this sounds crazy, but..."
I was compelled to deliver messages to a co-worker in my office from her aunt who'd passed away years before. She got big tears in her eyes because from what I was saying from her aunt, she knew I was telling the truth. Then I began to be awakened in the middle of the night for three weeks in a row with my hands "on fire," and God's voice encouraging me to "use them to heal." I noticed a theme in all the messages - I was meant to use my gifts to help others heal. I answered the call and became a Reiki Master a few short months afterwards. I'd never felt more alive, more purposeful, or more useful.
Explaining my experience to friends and family was a new challenge. Whenever you tell people you are seeing things or hearing disembodied voices, the first thing they want to do is tell you to get psychological testing. Also, I was a Christian and was warned that consulting with psychics was evil. I was so confused. I knew what was happening was from the Light. And all of the breadcrumbs I obediently followed were leading me to being a better person. I found myself choosing joy and forgiveness over hate and disdain, opening my heart to humanity by helping and giving to others, and encouraging literally everyone I knew or just met (think bank tellers) to pray and meditate.
But I went ahead and booked a counseling session with one of the pastors at my church, just to ease my mind. He knew exactly what I was talking about. He led me to passages in the Bible that comforted me and encouraged me to follow the guidance I was being given, but to learn discernment and to be careful of the terminology I used while at church. Many believers live in fear of that which they cannot explain, so it is important to be sensitive. "Psychic" is "prophet," and "Reiki" is "laying of hands." They mean the exact same thing. Jesus himself was a medium, and God spoke to many of His children through dreams, visions, Angels, and even direct conversations throughout the Bible.
I was on board with everything he was saying until he started talking about how gay people were going to fry in Hell. And then I was like, "I'm out." It washed over me that religion, spirituality, belief, and faith are intensely personal. And that everyone is entitled to their opinion based on their various life experiences and perspectives. And that no one is going to believe the exact same thing. There are married couples that have been together 25 years that don't agree on every single aspect of the religion they share. I saw that it was not my job to convince others of what I had been shown and knew so deeply in my heart, but to accept them and pray that they accepted me, and if they didn't, to try to love them regardless. My mantra became, "I don't have to agree with you to love you." And for those that were bothered or downright condemnatory of my beliefs, I instituted this very popular mantra: "The people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind, don't matter."
I have always had a fairly strong internal "Jiminy Cricket", and I vowed to use my gifts for good alone. So here I am today telling you. Not because I want to be rich or famous. Not because I want you to think I'm cool. Not because I was told to (The Divine is very big on free will). But because I want to. The Bible says "But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven." (Matthew 6:20). I would rather be rich in good works, leading others to the Light, than gain empty notoriety here on Earth. Experts say that on average, a person interacts with a minimum of 80,000 people in their lifetime. We don't realize how many people we touch. If this blog touches you, resonates with your own experiences, or cracks a window on your own belief system regarding God, the Universe, or psychic ability, then my mission here is complete.
If you wish to know more or have questions of your own that need answering and don't know where to even begin, please reach out. There are absolutely no accidents or coincidences in this life and you've read this far for a reason. I thank you for hearing me, and I pray God blesses whichever step you take next!