Updated: Sep 1, 2020
You can't do or say anything nowadays without someone being offended by it. It's gotten out of control, and I want to help.
Are you sick of getting your "feathers ruffled"every time you go on social media, talk to a certain relative, or hear some bullsh** on Zoom? I am. Do you want to maximize the amount of time in your life that you're filled with joy rather than rage? I do. Then this blog is for you (me) (us!).
I understand how challenging this can be, and I have personally found that the easiest way for me to STOP doing something, is to START doing something else. So let's bookmark this page and START reading this script together the minute we feel ourselves getting "offended." These insights take less than 5 minutes to digest and are a great tool in transmuting the emotional energy of offense in order to attract more joy in our lives and in the world around us. We all have 5 minutes to make this world a better place, don't we?
So, someone has said or done something that got you ALL PISSED OFF?
Take 3 deep breaths and read this now:
1. I allow myself to feel any EMOTION that arises, and process it internally without reacting just yet. Every emotion is a VALID one, if I am feeling it.
2. I assert that my being offended is my CHOICE.
3. I understand that just because I am offended, does NOT mean I am right.
4. I agree that HUMAN beings are not perfect. But also, let me stop real quick and consider the SOURCE. Is this coming from a human being with whom I am generally aligned or not?
5. Before lashing out in retaliation, I discern, to the best of my ability, whether what was said or done was on PURPOSE (with malice or ill intent) or UNINTENTIONAL (accidental or as a result of lack of knowledge).
6. Let me hover above the situation, see myself getting TRIGGERED by it, and ask myself, "Why am I offended?" Is it because I'm "supposed to be," or because I actually am?
7. Now, I locate the part of me that feels VICTIMIZED, I recognize that this is where a WOUND exists, and this is why I'm more VULNERABLE there. I remind myself of my belief that no one has the power to lessen my POWER.
8. Instead of going off on someone, I DECIDE to send loving energy and PRAYER to where I AM BROKEN.
9. I am COMPASSIONATE with myself when accepting that there is obviously more HEALING for me to do on that subject.
10. I consciously drop my EGO or desire to direct, control, or change other's beliefs or thoughts, or to control a specific outcome.
11. If I feel safe to, I will LISTEN to the opposing perspective; I will either LEARN something new that enlightens me to take a step in the direction of their view, or the contrast may further deepen my commitment to my own belief. Both have a great outcome.
12. I ACCEPT that not everyone thinks the way that I do, and that is okay. I respect everyone's right to free thought and FREE SPEECH.
13. I will take several deep BREATHS before reacting, or if I can, I will wait at least 24 hours before responding. The Bible says, "Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult." (Proverbs 12:16)
14. If I feel the need to respond, I will first ask for clarification to see if maybe I just misheard, or if it was some form of miscommunication on their part. Then I will use "I feel" statements like, "I feel hurt that you said..." as opposed to "You hurt me when you said..." with my focus being peace and understanding. If peace and understanding is not being reached, and the other person challenges back demanding more explanation, I am not required to further defend or explain. I am allowed to say, "It's just how I feel" and leave it at that.
15. I embrace that my "SPITTING VENOM" back on a "venomous snake" has zero effect on the venomous snake. I may realize that I'm actually spitting venom on a "bunny" that didn't know any better and now I'm the "attacker."
16. I LAUGH at how ridiculous it is to waste another precious moment of my life POLICING someone else's thoughts.
17. I SEE that sitting in the energy of offense does not feel good, and I LOVE MYSELF enough to choose to feel good as much as possible in my life.
18. I recognize the difference between someone who said something I did not like and someone consistently speaking to me in emotionally abusive way. If I detect abuse, I will walk away immediately. No explanation is required on my part.
19. I remind myself that we are a COLLECTIVE and that the person that "wronged" me is from the same Source as me. We all have the same "cosmic DNA". So hating them is hating me. The Bible says, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." (Colossians 3:13).
20. I see the lesson brought to me from this resistance as a GIFT, I am GRATEFUL it came to me, because it revealed a deeper truth within me, and I vow to move towards love and acceptance on this and all future "offenses."
Notice how none of these steps involve you making the other person change? Why? Because we can only control the space within us and 3 feet around us, how we react, how we accept, and how we choose to deal with perceived adversity. I'm not saying that the other person isn't WRONG AS HELL. They probably are in your humble opinion, but it's NOT YOUR JOB to change someone else. It's your job to be the happiest, most loving version of you possible for as much time as possible. And walking around with disdain for everyone and everything that is not in agreement with you, or holding a grudge because someone said something you did not like, has got to be getting old by now. Hasn't it?
Caution: There are times when a TOXIC NARCISSIST says something completely bizarre to you or about you or someone you love ON PURPOSE. They are incredibly insecure, so they use your reaction to feed their narcissistic power supply. So, they say something really objectionable, and often very untrue, as a baiting technique to reel you in, get an emotional response from you, get you on the defensive, or get you in chaos so they can turn around and gaslight you. Don't be fooled.
If you sense that this is what is taking place, go full "gray rock" on them. They cannot stand being ignored and may ratchet up or double down on the insults. You stay stoic, calm, and serene, like a rock. No need to reply or explain at all. Jesus said, "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces." (Matthew 7:6). I know it's hard not to just explode when someone says something that is SO NOT TRUE, but stick it out, and they will eventually loose interest and find someone else on which to feed. Tell yourself, on repeat, if you have to, "I am calm when wronged." You'll thank me later.
...There, I said it. I hope this was helpful and I pray you're not offended.
But if you are?
Remember, that's on you.
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