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Perfectionism is Fear of not being LOVED

Masculine Energy is Doing. Feminine Energy is Being, right? So when you find yourself “over-doing,” this is you operating in your over-active masculine energy.


From the outside, it can appear that you are an over-achiever, that you like “winning” at life, and can even be perceived as egotism.

But the real story underneath it is that the pressure to be the perfect mom, perfect wife, or perfect girlfriend is usually self-induced, and it comes from the belief that we have to work extra hard and go over and above the call of duty in order to be loved and appreciated. And it is a total lie.


This is a symptom of anxious attachment, and it’s a fear and trauma response, learned when mom/dad abandoned you or was unavailable to you as a child, or when boyfriend cheated on you or betrayed you, etc. Often, over-achieving comes from the fear that we aren’t going to be loved back unless we DO things.

Truth is you ARE love already. It comes from within. It comes from God, it shines from your heart. And also, the people that love you, don’t love you because of what you do for them, they love you for who you ARE.


Obsession with perfection is based on an illusion, a story you tell yourself because of your programming. It’s an incorrect logic equation, “If this, then this.” Example:


“IF I make the most perfect holiday party and stay up until 3 am making personalized handmade gifts for everyone...THEN I will endear myself to my husband, my boyfriend, my family...”


Not even close.


Do you have a tendency to obsess, over-achieve, “win”, or highly succeed? Can you feel where the root of that compulsion comes from? It's you trying to control other people's experiences and perceptions about you. It's you tap-dancing for a standing ovation, and it can be exhausting.

It comes from the belief that we must perform in order to receive applause, and the applause is love and we are always chasing that next dose of love, so we keep performing.


Stop performing. Say “no,” I can’t baked three pies and 48 cupcakes this year. No, I can’t host a party of 35 people for his birthday, and no, we don't need a taco bar with hundreds of toppings when we are just hosting a casual date night. But I will be there at all of these events with bells on to enjoy spending time with you!


The most important thing you can give the people you love is your TIME. Simply your existence, your presence, smile, warm hugs, or short heartfelt note, or small thoughtful gift is often enough.


Be present. If you're back in the kitchen, perfecting the meal, you're missing out on the conversation. If you're screaming at everyone to get the PERFECT family photo instead of laughing at the chaos and saying, "okay, everybody make a silly face instead," you're way off, girlfriend


Order take-out. Give a gift card. Text back 2 sentences instead of 2 pages. Ease up on the doing, be in your Feminine by just BEING.

Scale back in 2021. Calm the f*** down. Things don’t have to be so hard, so complicated, so over-produced. YOU are enough.


Does this sound like you? Have you noticed these behaviors can intensify during the holiday season or around birthdays & special occasions?


Get help now. Hire a coach who has lived through it and has helped women like you heal the hurt that causes this. Have a better relationship with a man by having a healthier relationship with you. Learn how to set boundaries on YOURSELF. Schedule your free call with me here www.calendly.com/kellyalbanocoaching/60min and let’s talk about you and your romantic goals for 2021.


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