Triggered by this? It’s totally cool. I used to be too.
I was raised by a chauvinist dad, who reinforced that women were weaker, were sex objects, or belonged in the kitchen. Because of this, I ended up rebelling and over-compensating AGAINST that ideology, and went far into my masculine energy, playing the "alpha," trying to control outcomes and dominate the men I married.
It never worked.
But before I continue, I want to be clear what I am NOT saying with this post:
I am NOT saying:
❌ Men are superior.
❌ Women are the weaker sex.
❌ Allow him to dominate you/give in to his every whim.
❌ Don’t stand up for yourself.
❌ He is the boss, you are the subordinate.
Again I am NOT saying this ☝️☝️☝️
Here is what it I AM saying: 👇👇👇
☑️ If you want to be with a masculine man long-term, show up as a feminine woman.
☑️ Healthy romantic relationships between men and women require a healthy balance of energy. Meaning, you are BOTH allowed to take the lead or to take a step back when it feels appropriate.
☑️ Stop “competing” with your man, instead play to and encourage each other’s strengths.
☑️ Disagreements aren’t you against him, it’s you two against the problem. Work together to work it out. "Argue" like adults.
☑️ Hold your boundaries firmly and with warmth when it really matters; go with the flow when it just doesn’t.
Even Germaine Greer, radical feminist, once said, “The opposite of patriarchy isn’t matriarchy, but fraternity.” Fraternity not meaning male Greek clubs in college, but fraternity meaning “togetherness.”
Men and women are different. We were raised with opposing values in mind, consciously and subconsciously by our parents and our culture. I got Barbie, he got GI Joe. We are in contrast anatomically and hormonally...so stop fighting for us to be the same. We aren’t. We never will be, this is how God made us, not to mirror each other, but to compliment each other.
Accept that he is stronger in some areas, and you are stronger in some areas. You're different and that is actually what makes it work.
If we expect him to be more like us, we will be disappointed when he can’t do it. When we try to be more like him, we go against our own nature.
The hardest thing to admit, if you are constantly bucking heads with your man, is that sometimes, YOU may need to soften a bit. You may need to lean back a bit, and stop trying to direct him or the situation. Allow him to take the lead at times or to figure it out himself. Show him you trust his decision will be the right one. Agree to try it his way, or just support his decision though you may not fully agree. Or if something is an absolute deal-breaker, do your best to enforce that boundary as earnestly as you can.
This may not be possible for every situation you face, but you know what I mean. The big take-away here is that he’s not your opponent. He’s your teammate, and that no one should be keeping score. It's about ebb and flow, give and take.
I did NOT want to hear this in the past, and got extremely defensive if this was suggested to me. But in this point of my healing journey, I see exactly where I went wrong, and I want to do better. I want us all to do better. To get better with the generations. My relationships will be healthier than my parents and theirs healthier than their parents, and my daughter's will be even healthier than mine.
I feel that this a sensitive subject. I get it that there are women who have been abused physically or emotionally by men in the past, and as a response to abuse, we feel the need to control to feel safe. My heart is with you. I am a survivor as well. And I want to tell you that you are not "wrong," or that you should ever feel shamed if you get defensive or are prone to pre-emptive strikes. It's a completely normal and justified response to having been victimized.
Certainly if you are in a toxic relationship currently with a narcissist or an abuser, this story becomes more complex, and you may find yourself feeling dominated or being submissive as a response to fear, so please be considerate of your own situation personally when it comes to this post.
We are all in different places in our healing journey. But eventually we want to get back to an organic place of trust and healthy balance between men and women.
Gender is such a delicate issue, and I want you to know that it is something about which I have the utmost respect and understanding. We are all exploring our masculine and feminine energies in different expressions and no one is "wrong." And everyone will interpret these dynamics differently based on their partner, their personality, their history, their personal preferences, and their desires. I pray for balance, peace, and harmony in the energies for everyone who reads this post, and I come to you with on open heart and non-judgement.
I would love to hear your thoughts...do you agree that two Alphas have a hard time getting things done? Do you agree that compromise is the name of the game?